Saturday, February 3, 2007

Someone recently shared these kind words with me:

LOVE YOU and those who LOVE YOU.
Better yet, LOVE LIFE and savor each moment.
CONQUER your embarrassment. You are stronger than it is.
PRACTICE kissing... the more you do, the better you'll be at it.
SHINE your light, for it is considerable.

This is going to be my new mantra in life!

Today I am so thankful for my children and my fiance. The night I found out about my bone graft not taking, Ashley looked at me and said "Mommy, I know you are sad. Why?" I said "Because, honey, mommy got bad news about her mouth at the doctor's today." I said "Will you still love me if I never get my mouth fixed or get any teeth?" She looked at me and said "Mommy, you have teeth! See?" And she pointed at my top teeth. Ha ha! Kids are great. I look at my son and think where would I be without him. Although the timing of his arrival into our world was so off, the fact that we chose to wait until after my pregnancy to have the first major surgery was so worth it. I think to myself that God put him here to help me get through this. When I start to hate what is happening to me, start to feel down about everything, just looking at him makes it all better. I know that maybe things would have been easier medically if we had chosen to proceed with the surgeries earlier, but I also know that if he was not in my life as a result, I dont know how I would be dealing right now. My children are my sunshine!

And Chris...what more can I say except that he has been my rock and continues to be. He sent me this email yesterday when I was feeling down:

Hey Queen,

I started feeling down today. I guess it really hit me since I've been apart from you. I just feel really badly that things had to happen this way. I'm not personally going through what you are, but at the same time, it affects the both of us. I just want you to know that I'm in this with you until the end, regardless of the outcome. I still refuse to believe that nothing can be done. If that is the case, however, me leaving should be the last thing on your mind. I love you very much, and just wanted you to know that this doesn't change a thing.

What a man! I couldnt ask for more. Thank God for my family and my children. They are what drives me forward.

Today I am feeling a little more optimistic. I have been reading more stories on the yahoo group for ameloblastoma survivors and my heart goes out to each and every one. When I was showering this morning I started to think (dangerous, I know, I don't do it often). I know when I was younger I used to think man, if anything happened to my face I'd just die, or if I lost a leg or arm I'd just want to die. I cant deny that those thoughts havent crossed my mind at my lowest points since all of this has happened. The loss of a body part or a huge change in one's face like this is forced upon people. No one can see what the future holds. But by the grace of God this could happen to anyone. Once it happens to you, you have no choice but to accept that it has happened. I have wanted to deny what my face looks like in the hopes that it would just get fixed and this is only temporary. However, that may not be so. I may look like this always. How do you come to terms with something that? Honestly, I have no choice but to adapt. Its either accept the way I look or wallow in self pity and fade away. I can't do that, not just as a mother of two, but for Chris, who has been so strong for me, and for myself as well. I have to go on.

Just some random thoughts today.


Stacey said...

Ashley is so wise. I'm sure she learned to see life through her mom. What a wonderful mantra you have now! Your light is considerable and I thank God every day that I am lucky enough to "know" you so your light shines on me. You are such an amazing and strong person.

Khalida said...

Keep up the good work.