I have actually been doing well the past couple of days. I am in a bit of better spirits, although my anxiety has really kicked in again. A few years ago after Chris' father passed away suddenly, I started having anxiety attacks. I actually began to first have them when I was pregnant with Ashley but they went away, and then returned again all of a sudden when that happened. I think it was the fear of the unknown that hit me, like how a seemingly perfectly healthy man can drop dead with no notice. It has made me fear health problems-especially ones no one know about.

So, lately the anxiety attacks have been back with a vengeance, causing me to not be able to sleep, and to be paranoid all the time. I think I will be okay after this next surgery is over, its not even the surgery itself that is scaring me now, its just a matter of getting through it for me. My anxiety causes me to worry that I am going to die all the time, even though I am young. I worry about every tiny thing, and its not normal things that 'normal' people worry about either, like people breaking into my house or things like that. Its 'hidden' things, like brain aneurisms, hidden cancers, and heart attacks that freak me out. I think about them all the time, and I think my worry about surgery is exacerbating it for me. Yet if I can get past this point I know I will be all right. Once the next surgery is over then I can start over again trying to recover and hopefully move on.

On a cheerful note, I am already thinking of recipes for when I am on my liquid diet, which I will be on for at least the first two months after my surgery, maybe more like 4 months (any yummy smoothie recipes will be appreciated!). Its nasty to think of drinking those Ensures all the time, which is what I did last time. But I won't be able to make much of a chewing gesture at all, so I can only eat things that I can just swallow. At least this time I know what its going to be like to recover and can prepare myself better. I dont know if that is more frightening for me, that I know what it will be like, or less frightening since I know what to expect! At any rate, heres to hoping these better spirits will last.