Friday, February 29, 2008

Had a bad anxiety attack yesterday

I wanted to share even though this post may make me sound totally crazy LOL. Yesterday after I got out of the shower I had one of those bad anxiety attacks...the kind that makes me wish I hadnt thrown my Xanax away and made-me-wonder-if-I-needed-to-call-an-ambulance-because-I-was-possibly-
having-a-heart-attack kind of anxiety attack. I haven't had one like that in a long time and it really scared me. The weird thing is I knew where it was stemming from but still my mind couldn't control what was happening to my body.

Warning: nasty TMI coming up here.

So remember back when I had that bad infection that we didnt know I had after my surgery in September? That day started like any other, I was in a lot of pain so I decided to take a shower and take a Vicodin because that had always alleviated the pain I took a nice hot shower and then put on some comfortable sweat pants and a t shirt. I laid down on the bed to wait for the Vicodin to set in. I was on my right side and I remember just feeling too much pain in my face laying on that side so I rolled over to my left, propped my head up on my hand and started flipping through channels. Thats when I felt some kind of weird slickness on my arm...I thought oh man Tina- now you really ARE disgusting, you have drooled so much you have soaked through the sleeve of your shirt! Feeling totally grossed out with myself I reached up to wipe what I could only imagine as drool off my mouth and for some weird reason my mouth was completely dry. So I sit up and look at my arm and it is covered in this wetness, I cant figure out where in the world it is coming from, never thinking to check my neck incision.

Well as I am walking to the bathroom I put my hand up to my neck and it is covered in this wet slickness as well...I look in the mirror and there is this grayish looking stuff just kind of pouring out of my neck and running down my side. I freaked out and started shaking.....I grabbed the phone and called the hospital and they paged my surgeon. They told me to come in right away so I called and my dad came to get me. On the way to the hospital I was holding a towel to my neck and I remember looking down and having the weirdest thought- it looked like coffee with creamer in it (the color) so thinking maybe there was a weird leak somehow and the coffee I had recently drank was coming out of my neck. It was a silly thought in hindsight but it reassured me that there wasnt too much wrong and we'd all have a good laugh when I got there. Well when I got to the hospital my surgeon was waiting for me. I will never forget the look on his face when he looked at my neck and told me I was a very sick young lady. My life changed from that minute on. He told my father to go home and to call Chris because I was being admitted to the hospital. They started an IV line on me and that was that.

That week was one of the worst weeks of my life. If it isnt bad enough worrying that you are going to die from a serious infection that seems to be resistant to whatever they are trying on it in the lab (before they discovered what had caused it), waiting in a sterile hospital room with very sick people all day long, not being able to see your children or shower, being poked with needles all hours of the day and night and then finding out they have to cut your neck open again is 1000x's worse. Dont get me started on the green jello and beef broth they gave me for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And I can tell you another thing- ground up suasage is SO not the same as regular sausage. *puke

I tell that story because ever since then if something drips on me I completely freak out and grab my neck. So yesterday's episode when I got out of the shower was weird because usually once I figure out where the wetness is coming from (I hadnt dried off well enough and some water was running from my hair along the side of my neck) I can relax and kind of laugh at myself but yesterday it just escalated into a full on anxiety attack (shortness of breath, arm pains, crying, shaking etc). It pretty much wore me out. I wonder if I do need something to help me out...lately I have been so cranky and irritable and prone to just freaking out like this. This is so not me and really it is taking its toll on me. I hate that this tumor and these surgeries will haunt me for god knows how long. And really its only because I let it, but how can I stop it? Its always on my mind. I cant remember the last time I wasnt thinking about something related to the tumor or surgeries. I'm too young for this crap!

In the past 2 weeks I have met people who have contacted me from reading my blog. It breaks my heart that there are yet others who will have to deal with this. Its hard to counsel and support when I still need so much of it myself but I do it because I dont want anyone else to feel as alone as I was in the beginning.

Well, the good news is we leave for Disneyland in 3 days so maybe all I need is a vacation!

Monday, February 25, 2008

Keep on keepin' on...

Well we are still in a waiting period so there hasn't been much to post about...I guess with my history less posting=better news huh? I find I go in cycles where when I am going through a rough patch I blog almost every day, its one of the ways I get by I guess. I saw my doctor last week...they put me on a muscle relaxer because of the migraines I have been getting as well as hearing this odd stretching type sound when I chew. It makes it so I don't want to eat, because it is reminiscent of something that is about to snap, if that makes sense. The headaches are from me straining to keep my mouth shut, especially when we are out and about. Its tough because I find I want to go out less because it is more strain to try to arrange my face in lines that appear as 'normal' as I can, but the less I get out the more depressed I get. So I just suffer though the headaches best I can. It really is getting hard to chew and keep my mouth shut because the scarring is pulling my lip so far in.

Other than that they said they are going to do an in-depth CT scan the end of March...March 20th to be exact. They are going to see the "quality" of bone I have made as well as do pre-op for my next surgery which should be about April sometime. I am looking forward to that surgery the most because it will release some of the tension in my face from my lip being pulled in the way it is and should give me some relief. But I am so nervous that they are either going to find something else wrong then or see that my body isnt making bone (which is always what has happened in the past). I know I will be a bit of a wreck until then so it cant really come soon enough.

I have gained a couple of pounds back as well which is nice.

Oh and we are heading to Disneyland next week! I am so so excited, as it will be both kids' first will be a bit of a nice break as well with the family.

Anway, as of today I am 168 days post op (from September 11th) from the last bone graft. Here are some more pictures.


And my hip scars:

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Just a couple of pictures

The swelling is coming along nicely. It's still swollen underneath though. The doctor says its an inflammation of the muscle as well, because of the number of times my throat has been cut there. It could take ages to go down all the way. But I do see a big difference. I will update more tomorrow.