Sunday, February 4, 2007

I am feeling discouraged today, and down. I thought I would feel better reading others' stories, but I have gotten so mad. How come people much older than myself have had successful bone grafts? I am only 25 years old! I never had an infection after any of the surgeries. Taken care of my mouth and myself as well as I can. I just don't understand it. It also makes me worry that maybe something else is wrong with me. I was unlucky enough to get the ameloblastoma in the first place, who knows what else could be wrong. It is also discouraging to know that I will be dealing with this the rest of my life. That it could return at any time later on down the road, after my face is fixed and I have implants even and I could have to start all over again from square one, feel the stress everytime I go in for CT scans to check and see if its back, is just tiring for me to think of. I have been doing so well the past couple of days but not today. What's even worse is I dont want to be bitter. I want to be thankful for others who have had to endure this nightmare and have had good news, even if I myself have not. Maybe I am just not there yet.


Shannon said...

Tina, no one has died, but you are going through a grieving process. Some days you might be okay, some not. It's okay. And it's okay to be angry. It's even okay to feel bitter. You have the right to those feelings. What's important is that slowly the moments when you don't feel that way start to be longer than the moments you do. It's a healing process.

I'm sorry that you are feeling down. Wish I could bring you a chai and just let you cry on my shoulder.

Stacey said...

Tina, all I can go by is what I have watched my husband deal with. He has good days and not so good days. Now, almost three years since his first knee/ankle surgery, the majority of days are good, but every so often, he has a day that gets him down when he thinks about the things he can't do and the pain that he lives with daily. These days get worse around appointments, with the fear of "what might they find."

You are still in the beginning stages of acceptance. Not every day is going to be a good day, and that is ok. It is part of learning to love yourself again and facing what lies in front of you. I wish I could make every day a good day, but it's going to take time. Sending hugs your way!

allison said...

just wanted to let you know that i am thinking of you!