Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Well I havent posted in a bit so I thought I'd add one today. Things have been crazy since my daughter has been out of school for summer vacation and I am always on the go.

The yahoo ameloblastoma board I go to has been really bustling lately. I don't know if that makes me happy that I have others who I can read stories about and relate to or saddened that yet more people have had to go through this horrible experience. What I find is that everyone is in a different place in their journey with ameloblastoma. Some have not started it yet, having just recently received their diagnoses. But all are very very strong men and women who have had to (or will have to) deal with it, period. They have no other choice, and for me it is interesting to see the varying degrees of how people deal. I find some are where I was a while ago, in a place of denial and anguish over where they are now and some are finished with everything, their bone grafts and implants and are happy with, or at least come to terms with, where they are now in life. I wish I could take this away from them and deal with it myself, and I dont even know them. When I think of the turning point in all of this for me I realize it came about when I found others going through the same thing.

My heart goes out to those who are struggling emotionally with this, as I am too...for me there is no such thing as "doing better" anymore. I find myself in a state of just...waiting. Of course I mean waiting to hear back from my surgeons about my next surgery which will be coming up soon, but also just waiting as in I find myself wondering if I will ever be done with this situation in my life. Will I ever get back to some semblance of normalcy? It feels like since this all began my life has been surreal almost.

I had what I like to refer to as a "situation" happen this weekend. We went out of town for Chris' birthday and on the first night he wanted to eat at this particular seafood restaurant. Now, I am getting better at eating out in public but I tend to stick to places that have booths where I feel somewhat sheltered, but this place had all tables and chairs set everywhere facing each other. I felt too 'out in the open,' perhaps that is why I automatically started to worry and be uncomfortable. So onto the "situation." There were these two women at the next table over blatantly staring at me. It has been a long time since this has happened and I didnt know what to do. I don't mean just staring as in 'Tina, you're so dang paranoid.' Like everyone just wants to look at me, right? But they were gesticulating towards their chins and rubbing them and pointing at me. How much ruder can you get? Seriously, some people have no tact. If I want to talk behind people's backs and be rude I at least have the decency to do it behind my hand or not look right at them, lol. So I started to cry and my face got all hot and I was not able to enjoy the rest of the meal. And it was Chris' birthday too. I felt terrible, no only at myself for going backwards in time to a place I hate to be in but for not being able to just get over it for his sake.

Perhaps I am just rambling.

Anyway. Recently, as of yesterday, I have had an aching in my jaw. Its on the left hand side underneath...it hurts when I talk. Not bad pain but its painful nonetheless. What's funny is its not too bad when I eat but it is when I talk. Maybe thats God's way of telling me I talk too much. ;P It is worrying me but as I will see my surgeons soon I am trying to put it in the back of my mind. Maybe I slept on it weird. I am also finding it increasingly difficult to keep my mouth closed. I know I have mentioned this before but its getting harder and harder to do every day. I mentioned we went out of town this weekend which meant eating out a lot and it became very clear to me just how hard it was getting to be after being out and about each day- by the end of the day I had such a migraine from trying to keep my mouth closed. Sometimes I just couldn't anymore and I make out that I am leaning my chin on my palm like I am thinking but really under my hand my mouth is gaping open just for some relief. Its frustrating.

So thats about it for now, sorry I am so all over the place.