Friday, April 13, 2007

Some new pics

Just some new pictures. :)

Ashley (7 years old):
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Aron (20 months old):
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Ok, so an update on me. I had a doctors visit for myself for the first time in I dont know how long. Basically my panic attacks have been out of control. Just always thinking I am going to die from some unknown thing has gotten to be too much for me. The doctor put me on Buspirone (BuSpar) which I have to take 3 times a day. He said basically I am suffering from anxiety disorder compounded by a form of Post Traumatic Stress. That would explain why the attacks are coming now, after I felt I had a handle on things emotionally- obviously I don't. I am so against medicating myself but its obvious my futile attempt at homeopathic remedies just isnt working.

So far I havent seen much of a difference, despite the fact that I havent had a panic attack since taking the medicine. The skeptical side of me wonders if that is from the medicine or is another attack waiting in the shadows and I will have one and realize I've been filling myself with stupid meds for nothing. The doctor also ordered a complete blood work for me, I am going in next week, and then one week later going back in for my results and to decide if I want to continue on the BuSpar or not. Thinking about it does trigger my anxiety again but I think it will all be ok, and hopefully this will lay some of my (ridiculous) fears to rest. I have never really been a paranoid person, but then again I have 'never been' a whole lot of things recently.

As for my appearance I am okay when I dont think of it. I do wonder if I will ever have my face fixed. I would very much like to, I hope that bone generates over time and maybe it isnt too late for me still. But I am not an expert about that at all. Part of me (the hopeful part) wishes that later on down the road maybe in a year or two, I can have more bone grafted in and it will take so I can get the reconstruction done. But it only comes out every once in a while. I still have more bad days than good, which is frustrating as well. But I am dealing the best I can with what I have been dealt.

The Ameloblastoma survivors group I was shown on yahoo I thought would be so comforting to me is a double edged sword. I feel comraderie with these others who have been through the same things I have...then I feel anger at those who had small tumors removed or have been successful in their reconstruction or who have kind doctors who understand them and I havent (and don't). I guess because I had such a large tumor and so much of my jaw removed that I almost feel like I am on another planet from others, even though we have gone through so much of the same. Then I feel guilty for feeling these things. So lately I have tried to stay away. How sad that I cant be happy for others, when what they have is my greatest wish for myself. It makes me feel so selfish.

Lately when I sleep I dream that I get a call from Montel or Dr 90210 and they say they are going to fix my face. Then I wake up, and its back to reality.
I sent this in an email to a very good friend, and wanted to add it here as it sums up my most recent feelings.

Sometimes I wonder if I wasnt rich and famous would all this be behind me already? Its so hard when you are lower income to get people to take you seriously, and to get things done, especially medically. I have had thousands of dollars worth of surgeries done, and am facing about the same cost in terms of fixing the damage this tumor has done to my face. I have found the Medi-Cal system to be ridiculous (CA's low income medical insurance). They do not care about you unless you are dying- their care in terms of preventative medicine is just absurd. The team of surgeons I was working with did a lot for me in the initial removal of the ameloblastoma, but I started to feel like a walking tumor, not a human being dealing with a life altering disease. I am so tired of all of this.