Monday, September 10, 2007

Tomorrow is the big day

I have so many mixed emotions about this surgery right now. Part of me wants to get it over with but the other part is just so scared. I havent been sleeping well at night, probably because what I have been doing all day is running myself until I am ragged, then taking a nap because I am exhausted, then as soon as I wake up I start going again. I know that's not healthy, on top of the fact that I am not eating much at all (I havent eaten yet today) and am drinking copious amounts of coffee to keep going. Reminds me of my college years all over again, and this is like a final exam- with a bit more of a painful ending result.

I always realized I was a control freak but you just dont really know how bad you are until you have to relinquish control of everything to everyone else...I think in a way that is why this is all so so frightening for me. I caught myself yesterday, after instructing poor Chris exactly which color sheets to put on the bed for when I get home from the hospital (the navy blue ones, so they dont show blood) and I think that is when I first realized just how awful this obsession to be in control has become. Its pretty much out of control and thank god I have a significant other who loves me, because there are post it notes all over my house with instructions on them for when I am gone. And in case you dont already think I need to be committed, here is just a taste of what those post it notes say: 'Check the mail every other day or the mailman gets mad,' 'Don't be a flat surface abuser,' (courtesy of my good friend Shannon, it means dont be stacking old mail and junk all over the end tables and top of the computer armoire etc), 'When Aron says "CAW" it can mean either cookie, car, or that he wants to color,' 'Dont forget to check the temperature of Aron's bath water,' and 'Make sure the top and bottom locks are locked on the screen door if the front door is open so Aron cant get out.'

Yes, I know.

So there is the control I wont have over my home while I am in the hospital, not to mention the control I have to give up to the anesthesiologist who will be putting me under, and the doctors who will be performing my surgery (both of whom get the perfunctory 'please remember I don't want to die at 26' remarks before the anesthetics kick in). Then there's the fact that once I get home I will not be able to walk or clean up the house like I am used to doing...I dont know what I will do then. I tell you its enough to make my head explode. Perhaps I will play my Sims game on my computer and just fire the maid, then I can clean my Sim family's house neurotically, or just move in a new person who is exceptionally messy and clean up after them all day.

Yes, I know.

So anyhoo, these are thoughts that a frantic person like myself has before surgery. Today I went and bought a ton of Ensure (darn those are expensive) and things for Chris for dinner that he doesnt have to cook, just pop in the oven. I am taking care of all the laundry and ironing so that it wont plague me while in the hospital- yeah I will ask myself 'I wonder if Chris is wearing a shirt he didnt iron'...and of course once I am able to, I will update you all on how I am doing, with pictures and everything. Today is my first day of documenting before and after pics, so here are the last pics of me with my old titanium plate in from the side and the front:

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3 comments:

Shannon said...

I'm still up because I can't go to sleep thinking about you and your surgery tomorrow. I know that you will come through it with flying colors. I just hope and pray with all my heart that this is THE surgery for you, the one that works, the one that starts you on the road back to you. You are a beautiful woman. I'm not just talking about your personality. I so want you to feel good in your skin again.

It's okay to call me, anytime. It's not a problem, it's not a bother. You are very important to me.

So, huge hugs, vats of chai tea, and maybe a stiff drink thrown in for good measure.

Anonymous said...

Thinking about you today and praying that everything goes well and this surgery leads you back to feeling more comfortable with yourself. Will be looking for an update and praying for you all.

Jessi

Jonda, Jason & Jack said...

Thinking of you today. I know all will be well! Love you girl!