Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Maybe no surgery...but I doubt it

Ok, so I was told at my last appointment that I might not have to have surgery to remove the plate. Somehow I doubt this so I am not getting my hopes up, especially because it seems I can feel more metal and see a bit more all the time. I know part of it isnt my imagination, as I have been actually counting the bumps (the plate looks like a bike chain, and I have counted so far 3 bumps and now 3 1/2 of them showing).

The logic makes sense in them saying that if they dont have to do surgery they dont want to. In essence, they are saying why go in and cut inside your mouth and make a big hole in there given my history of infection, when it looks healthy and pink and nice right now. They are thinking of alternative ways to possibly stimulate my own soft tissue growth in the area without operating. I doubt that this will work out, just simply given the fact that they have tried alternative procedures on me before (BMP at $1500 a pop, anyone?) that didnt work out and ended up resulting in surgery anyway, but I guess we'll see.

It would really suck to have another surgery right now, even a small one. I have been working again and I cant tell you how much more "human" I have been feeling lately. It is exhausting (I work nights and then wake up early to take care of my kids while Chris goes to work) yet it is so nice to get out and mingle with other people for some hours per day and just be out. I still worry about people looking at me (the underside on the left is swollen downwards still, so it does look weird from my profile) but I care a little less each day. I have dealt with being far uglier for so long that little imperfections are seeming so trivial right now. Just to feel like I am getting back into everyday life again has really boosted my morale. My relationship is getting stronger too. I think Chris feels that I am feeling better about being in my own skin again and it makes him happier as well. From the beginning he has been so supportive and wonderful, reminding me I am still beautiful but really when you feel hideous it doesnt matter what people tell you, it is something that has to come from inside of you. Being able to be out every day and act like my life is normal (although ameloblastoma never leaves my mind, and I doubt it ever will, ever) has helped me to overcome alot of the anger, loneliness and sadness I have felt over the past few years dealing with my medical issues.

If I was to tell anyone dealing with this what is the best way to overcome what we have gone through I would say the most you can return to 'normal' life, the least you can hide away and act like you are sick and be reclusive, that is the best way to overcome all of this. Life should go on not only for yourself but for your family, for your children. We may never be the same again inside, the worry and fear will never go away and the procedures take so long- but always try to remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, I go in Friday again to see the head surgeon, Dr. Indresano. I am pretty worried as to what he will say when he sees more of the metal is showing, but I will keep you updated.

1 comment:

catalyst33 said...

I am the crazy lady who wrote to you about tissue expansion a while back. I have had a lot of trouble keeping bar and bone covered simply because my mouth is too small. From what I have read, it sounds like you've been through hell with all this. Since the tissue expansion I have had NO problems with any exposure, infection,etc. Sounds like you deserve a break today (and yesterday too). The surgery is minor and the tissue expansion doesnt hurt. Having a tube hanging on your face is a little weird, but I was able to work and do everything - no pain. I know how hard it is waiting for the next surgery to drop on your head. I wish you well - Cheryl