More issues

Well, what I thought was a keloid was actually a new pouch of infection. I had it lanced a week ago and it was filled with pus, and for some reason it came back again. They took a CT scan and the doctor said today that there is a tiny ray of light that shines all the way up from my neck to where the graft site is. Whether this is a slow leak of some sort or what we are unsure. So today they ended up cutting the sac open with a razor and letting it drain, aspirating it and then packing it so it will stay open.

It sucks having another open wound to deal with. What sucks even worse is the fact that my doctor wants me to be tested for some weird genetic anomaly which basically would be my immune system not producing enough collagen to heal itself properly. Its some auto-immune disorder but basically could possibly be the reason why I have been having so many issues with my healing (repeated infections, hip fractures, etc) this far out from the original surgery date. I am young and *should* have youth on my side, as well as the fact that I am a non-smoker, and take pretty good care of myself- I am a surgeons dream patient as far as that goes. I pray its not that because if it is then we will be at a standstill as far as my treatment goes and most likely it would be to just try to clear things up and then just stop surgeries altogether. It would also be that all the surgeries I have been going through were for no reason at all, and that is such a huge dissapointment for me that I cant fathom it.

I felt I had gotten to a good place where if this was it and the doctors couldnt do any more for me that I could finally be ok with myself the way I am but I realize that its so much deeper than that. We always hold out hope for the best as humans, even if we say we dont have any. To not have any hope would make you feel crazy when you are in the midst of it all- shreds of hope are what have held my sanity together throughout this whole process. I have always thought that God wouldnt let me suffer like this to just reach a dead end, I felt after he had humbled me enough or whatever his purpose was that he would reward me with the desired cosmetic result. I know I have to hold out until its really over but there is some nagging feeling in the back of my mind that says it already is. Whether its just my slowly built up pessimism towards a positive result or the reality and truth of it all I dont know.

There are times I wonder if this will ever be behind me. I have been so discouraged, especially lately. Just not hungry, depressed, tired...just mostly tired. I'm tired.