Thursday, July 17, 2008


I have been dealing with some depression lately. Its odd because it strikes me at such weird times, never around the times that I am going through the hardest things, but rather it sneaks up on me when I seem to be doing well and just kind of takes over. I know a lot of it is our financial issues, and us needing to be in a better place in terms of the money that is coming in. Dont get me wrong, we are doing fairly well for living in Northern CA on one income, even if we are paycheck to paycheck, but if I had never had this tumor we'd be a dual income family for sure. First of all, I am not meant to be a stay at home mom. I just feel like I am meant to be out working, using my brain more than I do here at home all day long, and just being around other people more. I find myself bored alot, and feel understimulated all day long, as well as short tempered and just all around tired of being home all day long. I have been looking for a part time job but my hours of availability are far from great since we cant afford daycare for 2 kids and no one has called me back yet.

I also have the worry of if I do get a job when will my next surgery be...I am scared I will get a job and start working and then BAM! have to have another surgery which will have me resting for a few weeks again and I could possibly lose my job. It seems that from here on out I am only going to be faced with outpatient surgeries but who knows what will happen between now and then. "We're almost done"- I have heard that before. The one thing I have learned out of all of this is that with ameloblastoma, nothing is predictable or guaranteed. I have always been the kind of person who likes guarantees and to be able to see what is going to happen next. Its just a part of my personality and being super organized, and that just hasnt been a thing I have been able to do these past few years. There are times I feel just so out of control with it all.

We are also dealing with a lot in terms of Ashley (my oldest) and trying to figure out what is going on with her behaviorally and mentally/emotionally besides the ADHD diagnosis. She hasnt been sleeping well for a few weeks now due to her medication, and the lack of sleep is definitely taking its toll on me as well. These darn hives are still sticking around too, I am starting to think its related to her not sleeping and the added stress I have on me now worrying about her at night too. So I am still taking the Benadryl which makes me feel woozy and tired all day, and that is contributing to the depression. Its just a lot all at once I think, and I am sleeping far more than I should and snapping at the people I love far more than I normally do :(.

Anyway, I just keep hoping it will lift. I have never been able to stick to a pill when it comes to my depression, it seems to come and go anyway and is never around 24/7 so its not like it is anything I will be going to see my doctor for. Maybe I will get some good news on Monday at my next appointment. They should have my lower denture ready, I hope it fits nicely and is more comfortable than the thing I have been wearing lately.

1 comment:

AFRo said...

Hang in there honey. Can't remember where I ran across you, but I have a feeling it was in the Closet because that's where I meet everyone...

Just know that you are very normal. You are going through the same things in life that the rest of us young moms are. Of course you have the added pressure of health issues, but just remember what those things taught you about life and how short it can be.

Live it the best that you can now and tomorrow will take care of itself.