Tuesday, July 14, 2009

=(

I am feeling a little down today.

I had something really embarassing happen to me yesterday. Well, actually two somethings that have brought me down a couple of notches. I am trying really hard to forget them but they took blows to my already fragile self esteem and it's just been kind of a rough morning for me today because I am still thinking about it all.

Yesterday I was in the car driving to get my daughter from her Day Camp. A bit in front of me is this car that is filled with guys. Well, they are leaning out the window and yelling things at me, which I can't really hear because my window is rolled up, but my son's window was rolled down. I was really embarassed and just kept driving and not looking at them. I ended up being at the light next to them, which I was trying to avoid but couldn't because they got into the lane next to me. Grrrr. So anyway, at the light I hear them saying nasty things, cat calling and all of that. I gave one of them my evil-mom-dirty glare and one of them was like "you're an ugly %$#@! anyway!" and they all started to laugh at me. I was beyond mortified. I literally wanted to die right there.

So I was feeling really upset and embarassed when I pulled up to Ashley's camp and she takes the time to inform me that one of her "friends" had made fun of me. I said "why?" she said "because they asked me what happened to your chin and that it stuck out funny." That was the last straw for me. I got really upset...I know I shouldnt care what a car full of little delinquents and some 4th grader said about me, but I do. It sucks. I get to this place where I think I am okay with looking "off" and then things like this happen. I mean, its a big difference from having to go out in public with your face swollen so you look like the elephant man and your chin caving in and what I look like today. I look fine from the front and weird from the side, and I hate that. I dont know if it will ever be fixed though. I am trying to not be greedy and be happy with how I look but its really hard when little things like this happen.

SO, that is why I am down today. I thought I was over caring what people think about how I look. I wish I could be there. I am trying really hard though. Hopefully one day I can just put this behind me and just not care anymore. I think what I hate the most about it all is it makes me feel so weak and lame and vain and I really hate feeling like that. :(

7 comments:

val said...

I'm sorry that you have had this happen to you I know how you feel as I have the same problem except mine is when I smile, it is lopsided and the eye of the surgery side does not blink properly, everyone says I look great but I know what I see when I look in the mirror and I hate it. I am so sorry you had to deal with these cruel comments. My thoughts are with you. Val

Anonymous said...

Sending you a big hug. You are a beautiful person inside and out, not to mention strong.(Feeling sensitive about appearance sometimes is NORMAL. I have days where I think everyone is staring at the scar on my neck, when they are probably just pondering what's for dinner.) There will always be some tough days. Dust yourself off and think about the many people who care about you.
From fellow ameloblastoma battler.

Medo said...

I'm so sorry for what you have been facing, I'm a dentist and exactly know how u feel. This is not how God wanted us to behave. I have nothing better to support you except to remember what Allah said

"O you who believe! Let not a group scoff at another group, it may be that the latter are better than the former; nor let (some) women scoff at other women, it may be that the latter are better than the former, nor defame one another, nor insult one another by nicknames. How bad is it, to insult one's brother after having Faith [i.e. to call your Muslim brother (a faithful believer) as: "O sinner", or "O wicked", etc.]. And whosoever does not repent, then such are indeed Zâlimûn" (wrong-doers, etc.).

always remember that you are the BETTER. bless you.
Medo

Anonymous said...

I think you are beautiful xoxox

Gymee said...

Funny cuz I just finished looking through your blog (found it by chance for the 1st time) and I was thinking to myself how beautiful you are!

Sucks how people can be mean for no reason, but teenagers often do this kind of thing to make them feel better about their teenage angst...I should know, I once was a teenager ;)

P.S. I'm a surgeon now and I think your outcome is spectacular. BTW, did you thigh heal with a scar in the end?

Tina said...

thanks guys, i am feeling a little better these days.

yes, my thigh has a scar...it is in one area, though you can still see the whole area where the skin was taken. the one bad area is purplish colored and the skin is "thicker" there. it doesnt bother me too much, except for when i go to the pool.

annabelle37 said...

Arrgghhh, kids are freaking mean. This pisses me off, but you gotta shake it off. They'll make fun of anyone for anything, especially when you seem vulnerable. It's been my experience, though, that *most* adults have had a family member or a friend go through their own health issues and feel nothing but sympathy. Not to mention, you're gorgeous - I would kill for your shiny hair and cute figure. Do whatever it takes to get back your confidence once your surgeries are finished!