Finally

It seems I have finally kicked that sinus infection I had in the butt. I just took my last pill this morning (yay, no more having to choke them down twice a day), so hopefully the bugger doesnt come back in a day or two. Its kinda nice to be able to breathe and go more than 5 minutes without having to blow my nose. I still cough some at night, especially if I go out in the cold air but its nothing like it was before.

I dont go back to see the doctor until February 11th, which is both relieving and nerve wracking. I cant help but be worried that something is going to happen between now and then. My general doctor prescribed me Xanax for the anxiety attacks I have been suffering from lately (all over again), but I cannot take them. I took one two times and it knocked me out cold both times plus made me really moody. I want something that can prevent them from coming on, not something that I take when I feel one starting. It seems by the time it is here the Xanax takes a while to kick in so I have to suffer through the first 10 minutes or so alone. I have small children to care for, I cant be a zombie all day long but I cant keep going on like this much longer. Every little thing makes me paranoid these days. On Saturday we took the kids out for the day and for some random reason on the way home I glanced in the mirror in the car and it *seemed* like my chin was bigger. Chris agrees it looks a bit lopsided but he thinks its the way its healing. I know that is most likely it but I was told that the last time and it wasnt the way it was healing- it was more infection. So I stared at my face all day, felt sick to my stomach and didnt talk much until later that night when I looked and decided it looked 'normal' again. Its really a rough time all around for my emotions these days and I'm tired all the time. I just dont know what I will do if I end up with another infection, I have been strong up until now but there are days (like today) where I wonder if I have anything left to give should more things go wrong.

The other issue I am dealing with is extreme lack of appetite. This has been a problem really since I got out of the hospital at the end of September but its really getting out of control. I have absolutely zero appetite most days. I literally have to force myself to eat something, anything- a banana, some applesauce, bread etc because it will be one or two in the afternoon before I realize I havent eaten, and I never really feel hunger until I am eating, and even then after a couple of bites I am done. This is alarming only because I weigh about 115 right now and do not want to get any smaller. I worry about the state of my graft if I'm not eating right but imagine if you had just eaten a huge meal and then sat down and tried to eat again 5 minutes later. It feels like that when I eat, I am always forcing myself or just eating out of neccessity like a robot. I am continuing to take my vitamins though so hopefully that helps somewhat. I may have to go back to drinking Ensures like a little old lady, which are disgusting but may be neccessary for my health.

So that is what's going on with me lately. Hopefully things stay on a positive note. Thanks to everyone for the continued good thoughts and prayers coming my way. I appreciate them more than words can say.