Friday, April 13, 2007

Ok, so an update on me. I had a doctors visit for myself for the first time in I dont know how long. Basically my panic attacks have been out of control. Just always thinking I am going to die from some unknown thing has gotten to be too much for me. The doctor put me on Buspirone (BuSpar) which I have to take 3 times a day. He said basically I am suffering from anxiety disorder compounded by a form of Post Traumatic Stress. That would explain why the attacks are coming now, after I felt I had a handle on things emotionally- obviously I don't. I am so against medicating myself but its obvious my futile attempt at homeopathic remedies just isnt working.

So far I havent seen much of a difference, despite the fact that I havent had a panic attack since taking the medicine. The skeptical side of me wonders if that is from the medicine or is another attack waiting in the shadows and I will have one and realize I've been filling myself with stupid meds for nothing. The doctor also ordered a complete blood work for me, I am going in next week, and then one week later going back in for my results and to decide if I want to continue on the BuSpar or not. Thinking about it does trigger my anxiety again but I think it will all be ok, and hopefully this will lay some of my (ridiculous) fears to rest. I have never really been a paranoid person, but then again I have 'never been' a whole lot of things recently.

As for my appearance I am okay when I dont think of it. I do wonder if I will ever have my face fixed. I would very much like to, I hope that bone generates over time and maybe it isnt too late for me still. But I am not an expert about that at all. Part of me (the hopeful part) wishes that later on down the road maybe in a year or two, I can have more bone grafted in and it will take so I can get the reconstruction done. But it only comes out every once in a while. I still have more bad days than good, which is frustrating as well. But I am dealing the best I can with what I have been dealt.

The Ameloblastoma survivors group I was shown on yahoo I thought would be so comforting to me is a double edged sword. I feel comraderie with these others who have been through the same things I have...then I feel anger at those who had small tumors removed or have been successful in their reconstruction or who have kind doctors who understand them and I havent (and don't). I guess because I had such a large tumor and so much of my jaw removed that I almost feel like I am on another planet from others, even though we have gone through so much of the same. Then I feel guilty for feeling these things. So lately I have tried to stay away. How sad that I cant be happy for others, when what they have is my greatest wish for myself. It makes me feel so selfish.

Lately when I sleep I dream that I get a call from Montel or Dr 90210 and they say they are going to fix my face. Then I wake up, and its back to reality.

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